i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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