She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
