you have to choose: penises or morals?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
