I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
