Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
