marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
