haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
