I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
