The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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