apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
