I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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