I wish you could order shots online.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
