pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You need a sexual gate keeper
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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