My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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