Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
