News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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