$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
