Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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