why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
