You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
