Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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