I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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