These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
