I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
