Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
