Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
