Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize