Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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