omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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