So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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