im drinking this country out of the recession.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I need to sanitize my soul.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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