Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this must be what syphilis tastes like
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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