I showed him my bush... on skype.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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