Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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