what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
