I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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