Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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