He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
