mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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