I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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