I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
