OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
