Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
