So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
