Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
