before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
