dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Actions speak louder than pants.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
