Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
