I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
