So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she looked like the before picture.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He better not be in your backpack
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
