I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize