ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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