Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
