dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
