I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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