so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
