The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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