Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
